Stop thinking about the future. It’s already happened.
When you woke up this morning, you probably didn’t recall the time last year when you couldn’t imagine being here right now. You thought that now was an impossibility, an inevitable occurrence, but one that would be painstaking to reach and result in little but more scars.
You were right. And oh so wrong. Has anyone ever told you what a paradox you are?
I’m not one to preach. I lived the largest portion of my life never contemplating the origins of us, fearing death to the point of lying in bed, throat sealed shut and suffocating as if I was already six feet under. I didn’t know if there was a capital G-O-D, or what difference it would even make if there was. After all, here I was. Here was life. It didn’t matter how I got there or what would happen afterwards, because the present was still the present. The future was still unobtainable, off-balance and blurry like your vision when you wake up Saturday after a Friday night trying to numb your soul’s senses and forget what you are.
I spent years coughing up dirt from my lungs, not realizing that every single day, I was the one tossing the handful into the grave I’d dug. It took me losing it all, breaking to the point of wanting to evaporate altogether, that I realized something.
I’m not dead yet. But I wasn’t alive either.
I don’t want to spend my future worrying about what’s to come. These are the days I didn’t want to face but that I also eagerly dreamt of. This is the someday my mind always went to, even though it’s still not as fleshed out and radiant as I want it to be.
These days, the ones you are living right this second, are your future. So why are you still unhappy?
For me, I found God. He isn’t the root of every problem and believing in Him doesn’t eradicate the issues that have beseeched humanity. But He is the answer. I can tell you whether you are someone who has believed their whole life but wondered whether they’re living a lie, or one who has lived rawly and truly without needing that something more, that higher power, but still find yourself empty at night, that there is hope.
There’s a lot I don’t understand about Him. But that’s to be all the more proof He really exists.
Nothing that was worth knowing, worth having, was ever easy to read. Every day is a discovery, a deep breath. Sometimes that breath is a shudder. Others a sigh of relief. And others still a laugh.
But each and every one I appreciate. I’m learning now to love even your darkest moments, because this is the future. This is now. And what a gift it is to be in it.