It’s kind of late. I’m 24. And I’ve felt for a while now that I’m really growing up. I’m proud of that and wanted to talk about it, so here we go.
I’ve never been a party girl. I was raised by a great single mom who instilled strong morals in me from the time I was very young. I never drank underage, have never smoked or done any drugs. I’m also not afraid to voice my opinion on things, and sometimes, openly admitting that I didn’t do anything the kids my age thought was fun made me feel like a loser.
But the good girl has grown up and guess what? I’m still a good girl and I’m so grateful for that. I’m not saying if you have made mistakes in your youth (or if you’re making them right now) that you aren’t worth a damn. I’m just saying that recently, it’s hit me hard that the girl I felt like, the one who was just a weird goody-two-shoes to her peers, is actually pretty rad.
I’m happy with who I am. I’ve spent so many days feeling like I’m not good enough. Whether it wasn’t proactive, pretty, or powerful enough, I’ve lost too much time in my short life worrying why I’m not reaching standards I built in my head and looked to society to reinforce.
I’ve only had one relationship and it was long-distance. I don’t sleep around. I don’t do dating apps anymore. Romantic inexperience is something that haunted me since I was a teenager; I wasn’t ashamed of not having a boyfriend. I was just hurt that no one seemed to want me. But what the hell does that even mean? And how the hell would I even know how many guys have passed me on the street or seen me in a store aisle and thought I was pretty?
I can’t believe that I’ve allowed myself to slip into mental anguish and beat myself up over circumstance. We meet who we meet when we meet them, and sometimes, people meet others before you. It doesn’t mean you aren’t worth it now. It just is the way things are. Someone out there is waiting for the you that is wishing you could have met someone else yesterday.
Relationships don’t make a person. Do I want one? Sure. But not with just anyone. I need connection. Mental stimulation. Emotional intimacy. And I need those things from myself more than I do from another person. What you gain from a significant other should only compliment what already exists within you.
I used to be afraid to be myself. I didn’t want to talk too much. To be nosy. To ask people questions or express contradictory opinions. I was so scared of being rejected for being me, but then I started to learn that people are so much more than simply what they say and do. There are mazes inside our minds that most will never find. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the end of mine. But I do know that the journey is worth it, hand on the wall, trudging through thoughts and emotions that haunt and heal.
This post is a mess, but it’s just raw brain matter splattered on a blog post. Is that gross? Whatever. It’s gritty and artsy, right? Anyway. Thanks for reading this, whoever you are. I hope you feel good about being you today.